Waxy Skillet

2006-11-09T21:13:00.000-05:00

YouTube AMVs

So I've been a bit obsessed with music videos, stop motion animation, and animation music videos on YouTube.

On the stop motion animation side, there are a batch of movies from famous and not so famous animators available; most notably Jan Svankmajer: Czech surrealist filmaker. He's been a major influence on Terry Gilliam and Tim Burton among others.

Death of Stalinism in Bohemia

(I want to post some of his other stuff but this is not really the right forum)

Brothers Quay: Stephen and Timothy quay. According to wikipedia, their best known work is Street of Crocodiles.

Wladyslaw Starewicz influenced the Brothers Quay
The Insects Christmas: A Russian Animation piece from 1913

A random movie: creature comforts

I will post something later on YouTube music videos but for now:
The Shins Pink Bullets:
This video was created by Adam Bizanski, an Israeli director. He did this as a personal project and then gave it to the Shins. After they saw his video, they decided that they would use it, which is kinda neat and in reverse.
[Update: Ach, YouTube removed this video. Here is the ifilm link]

There is a ton of stuff on the anime side. A search for AMV in YouTube (by no means the only channel for this stuff) yields 145,000 videos.

I became more interested in this after running across what still may be the best AMV I've seen. I don't know the anime but the song is Am I Awake (They Might be Giants):

The mix is changing but it seems that 90% of YouTube AMVs are still Naruto/ Bleach/ Dragonball remixes glued to Rock/Rap tracks and it's inspiring and all that but I like looking around for less obvious songs and clips. With that in mind, I started by searching for various songs and some trends emerged in the anime choices. It turns out that some anime just seems to attract people who post a wider variety of music

AMV: FLCL, Song: Jerk it out, which kinda fits since half of the anime seems to center around the forcible extraction of items directly from the protagonists head

AMV: FLCL, Song: Concerning the UFO Sighting near Highland, Illinois, by Sufjan Stevens. I like this because it works and its is not obvious.

AMV: FLCL, song: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

AMV: FLCL, Song Clint Eastwood by the Gorillaz

FLCL/ Ataris: I shouldn’t really link to this because it’s a bit too close to a standard AMV song (there are at least six Naruto/Ataris AMVs). Oh well:

AMV: Spirited Away Song: I still need to figure that out. It’s appealing though. Does sound Disney, per viewer comments.

Powerpuff Girls/ Belle and Sebastian: I can’t link to that.

Bugs Bunny/ Tribe Called Quest: I can link to that. This AMV is great [Update: the video has been removed due to terms of use violation. Almost all AMVs violate copyright so this happens a great deal. Sooo... I will replace it with the non-AMV Dangermouse Gray Album video, which shares the same spirit. The Gray Album was pulled offline a few years ago but the video is still around. This is a "must see" before it is yanked off YouTube]

So there is an Anime called Air, which makes it hard for me to find an AMV that uses La Femme D’Argent as the soundtrack

Which makes me think of Thievery Corporation (no AMV’s yet)

Alphaville, Forever Young, the quintessential 8th grade slow dance song of the mid 80's. The anime is Ginga Nagareboshi Gin: I don’t know anything about it but it looks just post speed racer. The video is not very good but I am posting it because the song is reasonably obscure.

There is an Aphex Twin AMV out there but it annoys me for some reason (it might just be too similar to thousands of other AMVs.) Instead, I am going to put up a different AMV. How is it linked? The director of the anime behind this AMV also directed the anime used in the Aphex Twin AMV. I'll post this because I like Boards of Canada and Cowboy Bebop. The video is a bit hard to watch, with endless scene transitions, but the song is great

It pains me that Apples In Stereo does not have a YouTube AMV yet

Aretha Franklin/ Fruits Basket (I know nothing about this anime but seems kinda annoying)

But no Astrud Gilberto yet..

Tori Amos has been linked to a few AMVs. Here's an appealing mix of Spirited Away and A Sorta FairyTale Kinda slow, yes, but sweet.

So this does not really fit (it is a different music video genre) but here is a second Tori Amos Song, Happy Workers, set to video clips and scene sequences from the video game Silent Hill. Much, much less sweet (Silent Hill is a bit of a gruesome game)

The same director has posted a fabulous AMV using an anime called The MAXX (adapted from what I assume was a comic series) and a song by Thom Yorke The animation reminds me alternately of noir comic books and R Crumb. Like the They Might Be Giants video above, this AMV stands alone as a real music video; this time in the vein of the FeelGood Inc video by the Gorillaz

Speaking of actual music videos with animation (instead of AMVs) Zero7 has a terribly appealing music video with a "Waking Life" feel. I like Sia's voice. If only I could find an AMV that used "Breathe Me" that did not use Naruto clips (for the record, I really like Naruto-- it is the storyboard equivalent of Harry Potter-- it is just used in far too many AMVs: 31,421 at last count)

And, because I'm browsing through the Tori Amos AMV list, here is a Tori Amos cover of the first half of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" set to an AMV

Also, in the semi related "Artists whose names begin with A" set, I've run across a Raffi sounding song called "Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot" apparently written by two ex members of ABBA. This video is entirely goofy and just a smidgen less addictive than the $&%^* BananaPhone song

And, lest you think that YouTube animated videos concern themselves only with modern/ popular music suited for the young'uns. Here is an animated video version of John Coltrane's Giant Steps by Michael Levy.

Anyway, that does it for the A’s for right now. MTV is dead. Long live cheap online video. Digital, it seems, killed the video star.

2005-03-05T08:25:00.000-05:00

Chicago Sun-Times: Intention of uniting with Taiwan to be put in writing
Update: China makes mix tape for Taiwan

Beijing, China: Chinese leaders spent Friday night making a mix tape for Taiwan—a move experts say is designed to patch a growing rift between the two countries. While reporters have not been able to obtain a copy of the mix tape, Chinese VP Zeng Qinghong held a short press conference this morning where he described a painstaking creation process. “A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to hold the attention. Then you have to take it up a notch, but not blow your wad, so maybe cool it off a notch, and you can't put the same artist twice on the tape, except if some subtle point or lesson or theme involved” He added: “in our case, the theme was international relations and peace in the Tawian strait so we knew how difficult this was going to be”

Chinese leaders admitted to working with a limited lexicon: “There’s lots of new music in China right now but we are not too familiar with it. President Hu suggested some of the standards like Reddest the Sun, I Love the Blue Sky of My Motherland, or Sweet-scented Osmanthus Blooms with the Arrival of Happiness, but we felt that these were all out of date so we’ve included some Dao Lhang and Zhou Jielun.” Mr. Zeng would not confirm the presence of a rumored Menudo song on the album “We will say that someone suggested Tu Te Imaginas but we won’t say whether we used it.”

2005-03-05T06:55:00.000-05:00

Voice of America: Diplomats: Iran Trying to Hide Nuclear Facilities
Update: Iran to host unexpected Christo exhibition

Tehran, Iran: One day after “The Gates” were disassembled in New York, Iranian diplomats announced that environmental artist Christo has agreed to start his next project in Iran. Christo, who was to start on his “Across the River” project in Arizona, confirmed the rumor. “President Khatami called me a few days ago, and told me that he would consider it a personal honor for me to commit to a project in his country. I’ve never taken requests before but he told me that it could lead to a renaissance in Persian art.” When asked about the particular project, Christo conceded that the details of the project are not clear “They want me to do something small in Parchin, a few miles outside Tehran but I’m not sure. They mentioned wrapping a post office or maybe a small building.. we still need to negotiate this, of course.” Iranian diplomats described themselves as “Just thrilled” at Christo’s agreement. Vice President Aref stated “We recognize that this is very unusual for Christo and we are more than willing to help out. We already have the perfect building and we’ve got this leftover fabric here. It’s a new material really, lead lined.. it will look beautiful against the skyline”

In other news, protests in Lebanon gained new momentum today after Syrian diplomats threatened to replace departing Prime Minister Omar Karameh with 1990’s wacky mallet comedian Gallagher.

2005-03-02T05:31:00.000-05:00

Reuters: Bill Gates to Receive Honorary UK Knighthood
Update: Bill Joy “upset” at inability pull floppy disk from stone in courtyard

London, England: Sun Microsystems CEO Bill Joy was frustrated in his own attempt at knighthood shortly after Bill Gates removed a floppy disk from a stone in Leicester Abbey. Joy, who arrived in London minutes before Gate’s knighting ceremony, drove directly to the Abbey where he made several attempts to grasp and retrieve a 5 ¼” square disk set in one of the courtyard stones. A crowd nearby gave Joy a round of applause after his fifth attempt, prompting him to announce a trip to Corwall, to seek a rumored second stone said to be plagued with an unusually sticky CD button. Joy expressed further relief upon hearing that Gate’s knighting ceremony had been delayed after the Queen forgot her ceremonial speech, reportedly freezing mid-sentence.

In other news, Steve Jobs has succeeded in designing a small alabaster stone for use in future Cathedral construction. “We are getting orders for restoration and repair work” said Jobs “even though this stone is totally incompatible with most other building materials.”

2005-03-01T20:28:00.000-05:00

Reuters: WorldCom's Ebbers says unaware expenses a problem

Update: Ebbers: “I’m totally switching my long distance phone service.”

New York: Shortly after facing accusations regarding an $11B accounting scandal at Worldcom, former CEO Bernie Ebbers admitted that he too was shocked at his phone bills. “It must have been the roaming charges or maybe that broadband account…I thought that I was going to get a good deal after WorldCom merged with MCI … I never expected this.”

The remarks were made during witness testimony regarding financial management practices at Worldcom. Ebbers, dressed in a pinstripe suit, repeatedly stated that he could not hear the judge, complaining of static and requesting that “the nice man in the long gray overcoat” come and help him out. Later he took a bundle of bills from his pocket and shook them in the air. “This is what I get for making those calls during peak hours,” he said “why didn’t I become CEO of Cingular?” Scheduled witnesses include physicist Stephen Hawking, who is slated to testify that it is possible— when traveling at near the speed of light— to accumulate over 22 billion out of network overtime minutes in the space of several days.

2005-03-01T19:56:00.000-05:00

Globe and Mail: Bin Laden enlists al-Zarqawi to target US, officials say

Update: Bin Laden to al-Zarqawi: “Um, yeahh…I'm gonna need you go ahead and come in tomorrow. Sooo if you could be here around nine, that would be great.”

Najaf: Intelligence sources indicate that wiretaps recorded in Najaf last Tuesday may contain conversations between Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and his next door neighbor, Lawrence. Zarqawi, who disappeared from Najaf shortly after visiting his therapist is said to have seemed “really bummed” about the new orders from Bin Laden. “He seemed unsurprised by the call” said one analyst, “but he’d been trying to avoid it and was in the process of ducking out early for afternoon prayers when the call came through.”

“He should have turned his answering machine off” added the source, “he’s probably going to end up working Sunday as well.”

In other news, North Korean diplomats reassured reporters that any recent comments regarding a bomb were purely in reference to the Ben Affleck vehicle “Surviving Christmas,” which has just reached the Asian media market.

2004-05-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

Seattle Times, WA: Disney theme-park ride sends some to hospital

Update: Disney to close “Room of Hatchets” Ride, Additional Rides.

Orlando, Fl—Walt Disney World spokeswoman Rena Langley has announced that Disney is closing several Epcot Center and Disneyland Rides in addition to the ‘Mission to Space’ ride closed earlier this week. These rides, which include ‘Room of Hatchets,’ ‘Closet with Crazy Person’ and ‘Oops,’ while popular with Disney guests, have been suspended barring major revisions in the wake of several fatalities. “ ‘Room of Hatchets’ was one of our earliest rides” stated Langley “We developed it in the early days, when we were on a budget.. it is basically a room full of hatchets. As visitors enter, the hatchets begin to swing up and down before flinging themselves back and forth from wall to wall—we thought that it had a ‘Snow White’-meets-‘Sorcerer’s Apprentice’ feel to it but apparently, many of the guests kept ducking at the wrong time.” ‘Oops’ and ‘Closet with Crazy Person’ suffered the same problems despite height and age requirements and multiple posted warnings including the proviso “You will most likely die as soon as you step into this room.” “ We can’t figure it out,” said Langley, “These were clean, wholesome rides and this has become a fiasco, just like our ‘Bucket O’ Glass Space Launch’ two years back.”

2004-05-05T19:28:00.000-05:00

Guardian: Gore TV targets US twentysomethings

Update: Al Gore releases new reality TV series, ‘Extinction’

Washington, DC—Shortly after announcing IndTV’s acquisition of News World International from Vivendi, Al Gore outlined at least one show planned for the fall. “It is a survivor-type series,” said Gore, “… only, instead of tracking the struggles faced by a pack of twenty-somethings in the Australian outback, we are gong to train our cameras on several species of plants and animals, observing their real-life struggles with pollution and development. We are calling it ‘extinction’ and its going to totally rock.” In response to reporter questions, Gore admitted that the show’s schedule would be somewhat different “While we are concentrating on endangered species, we plan to have a five-to- ten year contest window… there will be some time lapse photography but we are going to try to make it as real as possible—think of it like the show “24” but now its “43,829” or, in the ten year version “87,658”… how cool is that?” Asked about contestants, Gore named two species of tree frog, the California Condor and one species of endangered Lichen. Prizes have not been determined at this time but could include a new stereo system or tickets to a shopping spree at REI.

2004-05-05T19:14:00.000-05:00

Reuters, UK: For Aging Hubble, Basic Questions About Universe

Update: Aging Hubble loses focus, keeps recounting same information about Star System

Greenbelt, MD— NASA researchers disclosed recent problem with the Hubble Space telescope this morning, admitting that the telescope, in service since 1990, has begun to show signs of age, losing focus on the outer limits of the universe in favor of stars within nearby galaxies. Mark S. Hess, Chief of Public Affairs at NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center stated “Every time we train the steering system to give us pictures of distant stars, it resets itself on the North American Nebula or on the Swan Nebula and it keeps feeding us the same data… old stuff about that Rayleigh-Taylor Instability it found in the Eagle Nebula back in 1996.” Hess added that “Its nice to review old data from time to time but really, we just wish that the telescope would get on with it.” In addition to tracking problems, the telescope has shown signs of trouble with its Space Telescope Imaging Spectrograph and Multi-Object Spectrometer, both of which have abandoned their standard spectra in favor of spurious readings that have, in the words of one astronomer “A tinge closer to Astroturf or maybe rayon golfing pants— something that we’ve never seen before” Goddard engineers plan to conduct a robotic servicing mission within the next two years “The robot will replace some of the Hubble batteries” said Hess, “.. and I hope that we cover the transceiver batteries because we are tired of boosting high power transmission sequences just to send simple instructions.”

2004-05-04T05:02:00.000-05:00

Detroit Free Press, MI: Drug discount cards go on sale

Update: Gangs, Cartels begin offering discount cards to Platinum Level customers.

Boca Raton, Fl— Cali Cartel leader Gilberto Rodriguez Orejuela unveiled a new Platinum Level Subscriber Card during a call from an undisclosed location in Colombia, telling reporters that the cards would provide credit while allowing long-term junkies and chippers to enjoy levels of service previously restricted to high-level dealers. “We feel that it is time to recognize some of our most valued customers and this seems to be the best way to do it,” said Orejuela “…cardholders will be able to receive discounts and promotional fliers while gaining the right, for example, to use the exclusive ’platinum subscriber’ lines when attempting to purchase drugs during peak periods at selected parks, streetcorners, and playgrounds.” The cards will be available by invitation only and will be released at selected locations in the US on a trial basis. Orejuela indicated that the Cartel was still pursuing negotiations with several celebrities prior to its planned September advertising drive. “We liked Jerry Seinfield and Tiger Woods but they both turned us down… we are still scouting William Shatner—we really love those Priceline commercials.”

2004-05-03T06:34:00.000-05:00

Independent Online: Beware of exploding microwaved eggs

Update: Terrorists nabbed after Feds alerted to suspicious egg purchases.

Lititz, PA— Muhammad Atef and Saif Al-Adel were arrested this morning in connection with a new plot to place eggs in microwaves across the United States. Atef divulged the plot shortly after the two were captured near the Sauder’s Eggs warehouses in Lititz, Pennsylvania. Sauder’s employees tipped the FBI soon after the Atef and Al-Adel placed a request for ‘roughly 24 million’ cartons of eggs. “We are one of the largest poultry producers in Pennsylvania,” said Paul Sauders, President, “but that’s just crazy… I mean 24 million eggs? Not here.” The two reportedly arrived with a large truck and engaged in suspicious activity while visiting the egg production facilities “They kept asking us if we had a microwave oven,” said Sauder’s employee Carol Shields, “…they wanted that oven as a condition of purchase.. we were supposed to put an egg on high in the microwave for five to fifteen minutes because they wanted to see what our eggs did.” FBI analysts have indicated that the egg plan may indicate desperation on the part of terrorist networks such as Al Quaeda. “Both of these men are wanted in connection with the [1998] US Embassy bombings,” said one source, “ Now they’ve been reduced to eggs and microwaves.. we think that things are getting a little rough over at Al Quaeda headquarters.” In related news, Saddam Hussein divulged new information regarding his weapons programs after being forced to sit through several recent college presentations by members of the Weather Underground.

2004-05-03T05:46:00.000-05:00

NPR: Bob Edwards Says Goodbye to 'Morning Edition'

Update: Howard Stern hires Bob Edwards after Clear Channel Imbroglio

New York — Howard Stern hired Bob Edwards as an on air commentator yesterday evening in a move sparked by the current fight between Stern’s syndication partner Viacom/ Infinity Media and Clear Channel communications, the largest radio station group in the United States. Edwards, who began hosting NPR’s Morning Edition in 1979, has admitted that the switch over to the Howard Stern show will be a ‘big shift.’ “Of course I am enthusiastic,” said Edwards, “I’ve spent twenty five years being extremely circumspect in my approach, rising at 3 or 4 in the morning to write my show for the day… here I will be using the same typewriter and the same yellow paper but I’ll get to write about porn stars and people having …intercourse with inflatable dolls and similar topics…” Howard Stern show representatives indicated that the arrangement was a win-win situation for both Edwards and the radio show “Bob’s going to be [expletive] great. There is no way that the FCC is going to [expletive] with us after we start hiring NPR personalities and besides, Edwards is going to do a great job covering all sorts of [expletive] up stuff in his trademark measured tones. It going to be [expletive] awesome.” In related news, Sylvia Poggioli will be leaving her position with NPR’s European News desk to replace Bubba the Love Sponge on WXTB-FM in Tampa.

2004-05-02T10:55:00.000-05:00

Taipei Times, Taiwan: Google Inc announces IPO

Update: Area man wishes to submit bid for Google Stock, can’t find submission information.

Arlington, VA— James Lowells announced his intention to bid for stock in the Google IPO this morning only to spend fruitless hours searching for information on the bidding process. “ I called some friends,” said Lowells, “…and I’ve been looking in the papers but, while there’s lots of stock and company information, there seems to be very little info on the process itself.” Lowells, CEO of Kelis Inc., describes his own investment portfolio as ‘reasonably diverse’ but admits that this will be his first IPO purchase “I tend to lean toward blue chip stocks and index funds but I have a broker to help me out on most of this.” Lowells added: “This IPO is supposed to be extremely democratic and Google is allowing the public to bid so I should be able to do this directly once I find out how to bid...I'm hoping to find some information at the library on Monday” Lowells then returned to his copy of NewsWeek, which had an article about the offering.

2004-05-01T08:45:00.000-05:00

Independent: Cut back shrubs, install locks: MI5 suggests anti-terror measures

Update: British Intelligence: “We spent most of our time hiding in shrubbery.”

London—Days after MI5 Director Eliza Manningham-Buller released anti-terrorist advice on a new Internal Security Service website, several MI5 affiliates have issued statements critical of the recommendations, indicating that widespread pruning and defoliation will endanger many prime intelligence gathering operations across the U.K. “We spend most of our time hiding in shrubbery and we are very good at it,” said one agent, “but if people begin cutting down this foliage, where are we going to go? Even if we are asked to work in secret, high tech trash cans or cardboard boxes to support new operations, I don’t see how were are going to replace all of that foliage.” The agent added, “who wants to see piles of cardboard boxes everywhere...it just wouldn’t work.” Manningham-Buller indicated that Internal Security had several options and was considering re-engineering the red telephone boxes for spying purposes “I mean, they would have the glass painted out with our secret one-way paint and they would be locked so nobody could barge in to make a call, but we could get one back on every street corner in a few years.” Agents were unenthused: “Its foliage or nothing as far as I’m concerned… we’ve talked this over and even tried to negotiate. Agent 15 even suggested hiding in window boxes but nobody seems to be listening.” In related news, the MI5 security recommendations have led to a boom in the landscaping business, resulting in pitched battles between landscaping contractors and Arbor Day Foundation members in London’s Hyde Park.

2004-04-30T12:14:00.000-05:00

Washington Post, DC: Va. Man Wins Spammer's Porsche

Update: WebExtractor, MailSoft creators flood Charles S. Chase’s Inbox with unwanted mail

Richmond, VA—Charles S. Chase, the winner of an AOL-auctioned 2002 Porsche Boxter S, has been deluged with emails that might allow him to win $$$ while losing weight, enhancing personal size, and helping out rich but endangered Nigerian government officials. Representatives for WebExtractor, MailSoft and Bulk Email Broadcaster claimed no knowledge of the inbound emails while officials at AOL admitted that publicizing Chase’s identity “may not have been the best idea.” Chase is receiving 2000 to 3000 emails per day, a torrent unimpeded by spam software and email filters. “It doesn’t seem to matter that I’ve switched my account three times,” said Chase, “… they seem to be able to find me.. I shouldn’t even be doing this interview.” AOL obtained the Porsche after suing a spam provider and chose to auction the car in order to attract attention to the new AOL 9.0 platform. Investigators suggest that Chase may have been targeted as a result of the auction. “It’s like a spam Mafia,” said US Attorney Robert J. Krask, “We'll track this down but he’s going to have a difficult few months.” Just as the interview ended, a line of mail delivery vehicles pulled into Chase’s driveway in order to deliver approximately 16,000 sales inserts and replicated JCrew catalogs. “This is the horses head,” said Krask, “This is just the beginning.”

2004-04-30T08:30:00.000-05:00

Seattle Times: US shift on salmon could cut protection

Update: Nemo, sidewalk mural of whale counted as salmon.

Washington, DC— Insiders report that a new salmon policy, due to be released by the National Marine Fisheries Service in June, will attempt to count the Pixar character Nemo, ‘tasteful’ whale murals, brass salmon sculptures and, possibly, ‘selected bumper-stickers’ as wild salmon. The revised definition may lead to increased wild salmon counts and eventual delisting as a protected species under the EPA’s Endangered Species Act. Speaking on behalf of the Fisheries Service, Bob Lohn, NMFS regional director, asserted that “Salmon are really a concept that has both urban and rural dimensions... We feel that the older, limited definition of salmon does not properly reflect salmon’s social impact. If we are going to work to preserve wild salmon for hikers and environmentalists then we should work to preserve all forms of salmon.” The move sparked sharp protest from environmental groups including the Sierra Club, Trout Unlimited, EarthJustice, and Ocean Voice International. Jeff Curtis, western conservation director for Trout Unlimited, stated “This is just nuts, wait.. I think I’ll draw a picture… that’s one salmon, now two salmon.. hold on...” Shown Curtis’ drawings, Lohn agreed: “Those are some fine salmon, except for this one, which looks more like a bad pancake or maybe a Spock bobble-head doll.” Lohn then pulled out a clipboard and counted the salmon as he made ticks on a piece of paper.

2004-04-30T07:48:00.000-05:00

Forbes: Roaring gasoline drives oil prices higher

Update: Gun sales up, more people “shootin at some food”

Rockville, MD—Gun dealers report sharp sales increases over the last month and many suggest that the increases are driven by customers who plan to spend most of their time hunting, missing wildlife, and shooting into the dirt. “Its very odd,” said Atlantic guns owner George Schneider, “but we’ve seen lots of men drive up in some pretty expensive cars to look at guns. They all walk in wearing overalls. Big straw hats seem in this spring.” He added that many customers are looking for rabbit guns, a big departure from the target and match shooting crowd that frequents his shop. Asked about the sales, Smith Barney analyst Kenneth Laiting suggested that the purchases may be less related to rabbit hunting and more related to oil. “We have a big tradition in this country of incidental oil discovery,” said Laiting, “and so its not surprising that higher oil prices are going to draw more people into the field.” Laiting added that “this is an interesting time to get into discovery since most of the major oil companies have phased out their rifle divisions in favor of techniques such as seismic analysis.” Lee R. Raymond, president of Exxon Mobil agreed, “It was just a year or two ago that I’d grab a gun and go out in my backyard but I just don’t have time now and our seismic division is really getting us better results.” “Still,” he added, “I’d like to get out at some point this summer with a bottle of scotch and my rabbit gun and unload fifteen, maybe 20 rounds in the ground… who knows, I might get lucky.”

2004-04-29T07:39:00.000-05:00

Forbes: US to appeal WTO cotton ruling 'all the way'

Update: US states WTO “Will be beggin’ for mercy once it steps into this ring.”

Geneva— Robert Zoellick, US Representative to the World Trade Organization, challenged the Deputy Director of the WTO to a fight last night, climbing into a makeshift ring on the Rue de Lausanne, and announcing: "The WTO is in for a beat down... come on [Roderick] Abbot, step in the ring and get a taste of some WTO pain!” Abbot, Deputy Director General of the WTO, responded by throwing a chair at Zoellick, yelling: “You got beat three times this year and you want to get beat again? Bring it on!”

Commentators indicate that the fight stems from a series of steel and wheat tariff arguments which escalated after Abbot tackled Zoellick during a GMO-panel discussion in Brussels. “This dispute over cotton is the last straw,” said Indian trade specialist Suneel Kumar, “The EU Power Bloc feels that the United States has overstepped its bounds. Even the British are siding with us.”

Informed of Britain’s decision on the cotton dispute, Zoellick responded with a disjointed speech: “The Eagle says this: British Bulldog, you think you're just going to have your way with the Eagle; you think the Eagle is just another knucklehead standing on the corner of Know Your Role Boulevard and Jabroni Drive? …[that] you're just going to go on to the WTO title? Well, the Eagle says this: nobody cares about you! …they only care about ONE MAN being the WTO champion!” Zoellick then picked up a microphone stand and tossed it into the crowd before jumping out of the ring and running at Abbot. At least one witness at the scene stated: “The Eagle is looking to lay the smackdown, and it's not even Thursday night!”

2004-04-29T05:10:00.001-05:00

Information Week: Dell And SAP Expand Partnership

Update: Benjamin Curtis to run SAP consulting division

Walldorf, Germany—In a surprise move, Dell Computers and SAP AG announced that, under terms of a new partnership agreement, Benjamin Curtis, the actor who portrayed Dell sales associate ‘Steven’ in Dell’s commercials, will be heading SAP Consulting. In a post-agreement press conference, CEO Michael Dell stated: “As soon as Dell and SAP agreed to migrate enterprise clients from UNIX platforms to Dell-branded Linux or Windows platforms, we realized that we faced a hard sell both to investors and SAP clients, all of whom are aware of the wealth of competing hardware options that become available when a company shifts its IT infrastructure… that’s where Steven— I mean Mr. Curtis— comes in.” SAP CEO Henning Kagermann agreed, “Just hours after we announced this move, we received several calls from established US clients as well as potential customers. The NYPD just called us and we think that they may want to shift over to one of our SAP tracking platforms.” While Curtis was unavailable for comment, specialists at Gibory, SAP’s advertising agency, were enthused. “Steven was noted for his ability to state the obvious and here we will be dealing with the obvious need for Dell-based SAP enterprise solutions.” Emmanuelle Collin, marketing director at Gibroy, noted that they were already working on Mr. Curtis’ own press release “We are thinking of using ‘Dude, you’ve got a company’,” said Collin, “but 'Dude, you need an SAP strategic organizational realignment in order to develop metrics for measuring project success’ has a certain ring to it.”

2004-04-28T03:54:00.001-05:00

Washington Post: Beyond the Duck Hunt

Update: Cheney may have borrowed lawn tools, newspapers from Souter, Stevens.

Washington, DC— Controversy surrounding the Scalia/ Cheney duck hunt escalated this morning when it was revealed that the Vice President borrowed lawn tools, several morning newspapers, and at least two bags of un-ground coffee from Justices David Souter and John Paul Stevens. Souter released this information during a C-Span interview when he noted that Cheney, Stevens and Souter were neighbors “a few years back.” Asked about the lawn tools, Stevens indicated that Cheney borrowed his lawnmower on at least two occasions as well as an extension ladder, a hedge trimmer, and a grill lighter “He was always coming over,” said Stevens, “…we used to have barbeques and the Cheneys lived up the block. He was better with the painting tools and I was better on the lawn care so I’ve borrowed some of his dropcloths and brushes and he’s borrowed the riding mower.” Stevens added that the extension ladder “was a real victory, though.” Responding to questions from reporters, Souter indicated that Cheney had picked up his newspaper while he was away on vacation “because I’d forgotten to cancel service for that week and I didn’t want [the papers] piling up on the front porch…” Cheney, busy with Donald Rumsfeld’s weed trimmer, could not be reached for comment on this article.

2004-04-28T03:22:00.003-05:00

Reuters, UK: Gaddafi to visit EU headquarters

Update: Gaddafi attends EU regulatory meeting by accident, expresses confusion over seed standardization memo review

Brussels— Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi took a wrong turn in the EU Headquarters’ Breydel Building yesterday, walking past the room designated for his meeting with attachés to Belgian Foreign Minister Louis Michel and stopping at a scheduled meeting of the Standing Committee on Seeds and Propagating Material for Agriculture, Horticulture and Forestry. “We were just setting up,” said Committee Director Marcantonio Valvassori, “and he walked in.. we did not recognize him as the Libyan leader and instead thought that he was some sort of observer.” The standing committee proceeded with its second-tier update review of Commission Directive 2002/53/EC, revisiting the sub-issue of whether a maize blend should be listed, as many varietal associations are listed, as a ‘pollination dependent hybrid.’ Gaddafi, who is fluent in French, remained seated for most of the meeting, maintaining a stoic expression long after it became clear that he was in the wrong room. “It was really awkward,” said Valvassori, “but we didn’t want to be impolite and he didn’t seem to want to leave so we just proceeded… he totally didn’t get my joke about the regulatory ‘maize’ that we were facing and he may even have drifted off during the when we started talking about fallout from the 2003 OECD AGR/CA/S/A meeting…Lang passed a note saying that we should all do something weird, like sit on the floor or turn and face the window to see whether he would do the same but then we just let it drop.”

Staff at the Breydel Building indicated that such mistakes are a regular problem “Meeting rooms change all the time,” said one staffer, “he’s just lucky that he didn’t get lost in the Justus Lipsius building…end up in the wrong hallway there and you’ll get torn up... especially during lunch.”

2004-04-27T06:44:00.000-05:00

Reuters: Olsen Twins Sue Acclaim Over Video Game Royalties

Update: Olsen Twins to Star in New Grand Theft Auto Video Game

Hollywood, CA—Sisters Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have just signed a contract with Rockstar North/ Take-Two Interactive, allowing Rockstar to use their likenesses in a new version of Grand Theft Auto slated for release in the fall of 2007. Under terms of the contract, the Olsen Twins will grant Rockstar the right to create Mary Kate and Ashley player-characters, each of whom will begin the game with pump action shotguns, pastel ceramic jackets and, according to one Rockstar source, moderate platform shoes. Each player-character will work its way through a crime ridden underworld, negotiating with and occasionally killing criminals, bystanders and unspecified authority figures while building their own crime network. Robert Thorne, one of the co-founders of the Olsen Twins’ DualStar Entertainment Group, indicated that the Olsen twins agreed to Rockstar’s offer after losing on a deal that would have placed the Olsens in Tarantino’s ‘Kill Bill’ series. “This video game will assist Mary Kate and Ashley in their transition from a youth to an adult media market,” said Thorne, “...and besides, we have been assured that they will be able to go up against Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff.”

2004-04-27T06:09:00.000-05:00

Detroit Free Press: Yankees mystified by their failure to hit

Update: Yoda removed from Yankees Stadium, faces Disciplinary Hearing for game interference

New York, NY— Yankees Stadium Officials confirmed Yoda’s removal from Yankees stadium Sunday afternoon following the Yankees loss to the Boston Red Sox. Jerry Laveroni, director of Yankee team security indicated that stadium officials surrounded the elderly Jedi, who had apparently traveled through time from a point “far, far away” in an attempt to assist the Red Sox. Said Laverioni, “We believe that he may have gotten wind of Larry Lucchino’s description of the Yankees as ‘The Evil Empire’ and may have, well, misinterpreted it a bit.” Stadium officials indicated that Yoda may have used a mysterious force to add weight to the bats of Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams while possibly working to interfere with fielding. “He may have been in the stands for a few days and certainly influenced the Yankees loss last Friday [23 April].” stated one official. Yoda, identified by other fans prior to his removal, agreed to go quietly after stadium officials confronted him with Uri Geller who reportedly asked Yoda for a spoon. Yoda indicated that he sensed ‘much fear’ in Geller and the security team but otherwise said little on his exit from the ballpark. His hearing is scheduled for Thursday. In related news, an x-wing fighter landed on beachfront property near the Mahou Riviera section of Malibu yesterday, reportedly “really pissing off Barbara Streisand.”

2004-04-26T20:32:00.000-05:00

San Francisco Chronicle: Jerry Springer' opera to premiere at Orpheum

Update: ‘MacNeil Lehrer News Hour’ opera to premiere at Los Angeles Opera

Los Angeles—Los Angeles Opera President Frank Baxter announced that an opera based on the popular news program ‘The MacNeil Lehrer News Hour’ will debut in the Spring of 2005. Fans of the popular news and opinion show will be able to chart the production history from the original coverage of the Senate Watergate hearings in 1973 through MacNeil’s departure from the show in 1995. Placido Domingo, General Director of the Los Angeles Opera, has indicated that this opera will run the gamut from comedy to tragedy and will feature a cast of dozens, covering guests from Fidel Castro to Alan Keyes, who appeared several times as a commentator on the PBS show. “We expect that this opera will receive widespread critical acclaim once it catches on,” stated Domingo, “This is going to be so much better than our C-Span opera two years ago… we’ve learned from our attempt to reinvent ‘BookNotes’ in operatic form.” In related news, Turner Networks has agreed to sponsor a new version of “Dukes of Hazzard: A Stephen Sondeim Muscial” which will be broadcast live from Winter Garden Theatre in New York in 2008.

2004-04-25T07:04:00.000-05:00

Calgary Herald: Credit card fights fraud with voice recognition

Update: Arguments with Voice Recognition Credit Cards Surpass Cellphones as Public Nuisance.

Wilmington, DE— Earlier this morning, Cathy Aikens stood at a Safeway Checkout counter, arguing with her voice-recognition credit card as a line of impatient shoppers grew behind her. “Apparently, the card thought that she’d bought enough stuff” said Michael Scott-Patterson “...from where I was in line, I could hear it giving her heat about a box of Entemanns cookies, saying that she didn’t need that box and that she was always sneaking food and why did she have to get rid of the Visa Card because things were just working out again and she was always blocking... real rough stuff... it was extremely personal.” Added Scott-Patterson: “It went on for ten minutes and we just stood there until she could complete her transaction… it took forever. Some people clapped when she was done…the card cursed us out.”

Such conflicts are becoming familiar as credit card customers sign up for voice recognition security cards. New polls suggest that arguments between customers and their credit cards have replaced public cellphone conversations as America’s leading nuisance. “The conversations can be very intense because the card has the upper hand.” stated Dr. Alix Wallace, transaction psychologist for MasterCard, “The cards will allow or disallow the transaction and you can’t really switch to another card because the voice cards will either cease to cooperate on future transactions or, in some circumstances, will actively screw with the credit rating. It’s a very aggressive relationship… these cards are mad with power.” Wallace suggested that current credit card holders reconsider using the cards, instead contacting their credit agencies in order to get a special issue old-style or “classic” card. In the event that a cardholder is in a relationship with an aggressive voice card, Wallace recommended credit counseling. “These cards have issues…they often feel used and think that it is just a money thing…” Asked about her situation, Aikens agreed with Wallace: “It was mean... this whole thing about the cookies...I was upset the whole way home and it would not talk to me… its just sat there in my purse humming that new ‘Life Ain’t Nothing But Digits and Money’ song like some little thug.” “Don’t tell the card,” said Aikens, “but I think that I’m going to switch back to my old Discover Card, [the voicecard] can go out with all the Platinum Visa Hotties it wants but it won’t be coming back to my house in the morning.”

2004-04-24T06:22:00.000-05:00

New York Times: Postal Service to End Sponsorship of Armstrong's Cycling Team

Update: US Postal Service to Sponsor Nation’s First Segway Racing Team

Cambridge, MA— Soon after announcing the end to sponsorship of the Postal Service bicycle racing team, Postal Service spokesman Gerry McKiernan announced that the $6 million per year previously given to the Lance Armstrong and his teammates would now be shifted to the sport of Segway Racing. “We expect to sponsor a team within the next year,” stated McKiernan, “We’ve been scouting teams in Boston and San Diego and we’ve seen some fast platforms.” The Postal Service indicated that the Sport of Segway was “still in its infancy, or possibly prenatal” but defended the move, noting that a Segway racing team would help the Postal Service’s re-branding mission while providing a use for the hundreds of Segways purchased in 2003. Stated McKiernan “…we’ve heard the police department is working on its own Segway racing team, and there is likely to be a UPS team in the next few years so we’ve got to keep up.”

2004-04-23T07:14:00.000-05:00

Boston Globe: Bush, Kerry trade charges on Earth Day

Update: Bush, Kerry switch off in Drum Circle

Washington, DC—Sitting with up to thirty Georgetown university students in a large circle near the National Monument, George W. Bush and John Kerry took turns as drum circle leaders yesterday afternoon. The President and Presidential Candidate spent fifteen minutes each participating in an unscripted drumming exhibition, backed enthusiastically by students who played along, humming the word “om” during the two solo breaks which were quickly subsumed in the resonant if repetitive clatter of the circle. “It was the coolest thing,” said Georgetown student Tyler Mays, “We totally stopped playing frisbee and came over here once the President showed up… we were like, ‘dude it’s the President… what’s he doing here’...” Polls after the circle, showed the students split on the relative merits of Bush and Kerry’s drum playing, with roughly 48% in favor of Bush, 44% in favor of Kerry with 8% listed as undecided, swing drummers. In general, drummers found Bush’s robust, straight-ahead drumming to be more in the spirit of the circle while others found Kerry’s subtle rhythms to be ‘compelling if impossible to follow.’ “Clearly, Kerry wins on drumming technique,” said Sparrow Petersen, “his solo was complex and absorbing but only a few people could play with him...Bush was a little stiff but by the end he was just rockin out.”

2004-04-23T06:55:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles Times: Second USA Today Editor Resigns Amid Scandal

Update: Remaining USA Today Employees Still Working on Flashy “Scandal” Graphic.

Washington, DC—In the days following the Jack Kelly scandal, staffers have been struggling to produce a dynamic, informative scandal graphic that will adequately convey Mr. Kelly’s impact on the newspaper. “Managing Editor Hal Ritter just resigned,” said USA Today artist Dianne Eckley, “so we were thinking of doing some sort of resignation graph, but then we have quotes from the Washington Post claiming a virus of fear and then claiming editorial laryngitis… we might do something when Jonathan Weisman gets to complaining about a head cold of fear but, man, this is difficult.” Other staffers are arguing over the merits of bar graphs vs. pie charts and open illustrations, such as the Jack Kelly fake story timeline. Presently, only a few graphics, including the “How much do we hate ourselves” graphic and the “Are we really sorry… oh yes, we’re really sorry” graphic have been prepared for production. “I like the last one” said Eckley “It’s much better than the ‘Why did we believe the story about Napalm Matches’ bar graph.”

2004-04-22T07:50:00.000-05:00

San Jose Mercury News: Klitschko-Sanders an intriguing bout

Update: Vitali Klitschko found unconscious in kitchen after encounter with cereal box.

Los Angeles, CA—Neighbors found Vitali Klitschko unconscious this morning, partially curled on the kitchen floor near a broken box of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies brand cereal. Klitschko woke minutes later on a gurney outside the ambulance, remarking: “I walked in the kitchen and I was getting breakfast and when I opened the cupboard that box of cereal just jumped me.” He added: “It must have gotten me pretty good.” He then passed out again as he was loaded on to the ambulance. Doctors have not commented on the case and Klaus-Peter Kohl, Klitschko’s manager, refused to consider delaying the Klitschko-Sanders fight on Saturday. Klitschko’s coach suggested that they were still investigating the incident: “First of all, we want to know whether this accident could have been arranged…that was a pretty big box of cereal. We also need to do some planning... we know that Sanders can be a little slow but he still throws combinations and can move sometimes faster than Vitali but what happens if he comes into the ring with, let’s say, a box of Wheaties or Raisin Bran?”

2004-04-22T07:24:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles Times: Nuclear Plant Missing Parts of a Fuel Rod

Update: Wait, I think they’re in the back of my truck

Montpelier, Vt.—Three weeks after Yankee Reactor officials orchestrated an organized search for two missing fuel rod elements, employee Darryl Jeffries indicated that he may have left the items in the back of his truck. “I’m not sure what I was doing with them…” he stated, “but I’m pretty sure that they’re in my truck box… I just noticed this morning when I went out to get a screwdriver and noticed that my tape measure and socket wrench set had just about melted.” Hazmat teams have since surrounded Jeffries’ truck, which is sitting in the Yankee Reactor parking lot, as experts consider towing the truck to a hazardous waste facility in lieu of extracting the rods. Jeffries states that he’s felt no ill effects “The dog has been sick but the wife and kids have been fine... Allen— that’s my eight year old son— even deadlifted the refrigerator this morning.”

2004-04-21T06:14:00.000-05:00

Reuters: N.Korea's Kim Says to Be Patient, Flexible in Talks

Update: Kim Jong-il enlists Richard Simmons, develops new “Workout Video of the People.”

Beijing— During a meeting with China’s President, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il unveiled his “Workout Video of the People,” the result of a two-year collaboration between the North Korean dictator and the American fitness guru. The announcement sparked drives for similar collaborations across several countries including Uzbekistan, Zimbabwe, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Cuba, each of whom placed scouts at major aerobics hotspots across the United States and Europe. “Presently, we are scouting Kathy Smith,” stated Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak, “Fidel’s still off the top shelf—we planted an agent in Havana a few years back and he’s been guiding the scouting process. We think he’s going to try for Maura Jasper and that’s gonna’ cost him media pull outside the Boston / New York corridor.” Mubarak later admitted that Egypt was unlikely to beat North Korea’s victory with Simmons. “It’s an arms race and we are losing right now… I don’t even want to think about China’s play in this market.” Deflecting reporters who questioned him on the topic, President Hu Jintao indicated that China has not made any decisions but has considered “…leaning toward specialty videos rather than aerobics, maybe Coreboards or Bowflex or something.”

2004-04-21T04:17:00.000-05:00

Washington Post/ White House Notebook: “Like the Kremlin, the Palestinian Authority has also outdone the White House in glasnost.”

Update: Reuters, Associated Press Label Moscow, Palestinian Authority “No Spin Zones”

Washington—Soon after culling details of the recent Bush/ Blair meeting from anonymous sources at a Tastee Freeze in St Petersburg, heads of the AP and Reuters news agencies agreed to label Moscow and the Palestinian Authority “No Spin Zones.” Geert Linnebank, Editor-in-Chief at Reuters, stated: “We were sick of this veil of silence at the White House and the terse, often opaque statements emerging from the Executive Branch. We had to go somewhere else to get our stories straight. In this case, ‘somewhere else’ turned out to be the editorial room at Pravda.” After a few meetings, Associated Press reporters were presented with evidence for dozens of stories ranging from mind-control video games developed by the CIA to profiles of the credit card biochip development firm Mondex. “Prava offered us a great deal of background information and some of it was written down,” gushed one reporter “… most of the important evidence was double spaced and presented in summaries of 800 to 2,000 words.” While the Kremlin refused to comment on these events, the Palestinian Authority expressed approval, promising its own evidence for hard-hitting news stories “…just as soon as it can be shipped from Syria.”

2004-04-20T11:39:00.000-05:00

The Scotsman, UK: Damning report shows Shell hid reserves shortfalls

Update: Shell out of oil, attempts to extract petroleum from Peeps Easter candy

London—Under pressure from auditors, executives at the Royal/ Dutch Shell Group conceded this morning that they have no oil reserves whatsoever and are instead struggling to extract petroleum from Peeps-brand Easter candy. “We ran out of oil last year but were borrowing reserves from Exxon/Mobil and ELF,” stated Walter van de Vijver, head of exploration and production. “As borrowing became more expensive, we searched frantically for other materials, finally settling on Peeps.” Peeps, the familiar yellow candy widely available in Supermarkets between the months of February and May, may supply an unprecedented energy source once properly refined through the addition of unprocessed Russel Stover milk chocolate. Stated van de Vijver “Our agents located vast Peeps warehouses at several locations in the Midwest… ultrasounds of each warehouse indicate vast, high-density Peeps reservoirs and the first core samples extracted from a warehouse near Duluth yielded extremely pure, if stale, marshmallow byproduct.” “We will make a fortune,” added the visibly enthusiastic van de Vijver, “this is even better than our joint venture with Gazprom/ Lukoil.”

2004-04-20T06:42:00.000-05:00

Washington Post: McDonald's Executive James Cantalupo Dies

Update: New McDonald’s Boss Calls for Commission Meeting

Oak Brook, Il—Insiders report that Charlie Bell, new Boss of the McDonald’s family, has called for a commission meeting that could involve up to sixteen fast food families across America. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source indicated that “It is a terrible thing that Mr. Canatlupo passed away like this but Charlie... Charlie has some new visions for the family…There are problems to address and he’s been pushing hard, for a long time, to address them.” Reported problems include competition from bakery gruppos such as Au Bon Pain and Starbucks and reported wars between the heads of the Dunkin Doughnuts and Krispy Kreme families. “What upsets us most of all,” said the source, “is this heat we’ve been getting.. so we sell a burger without the bun.. so what? So we try out one of those vegetable burgers.. so what? The other families are protesting.. Mr. Paull [Matthew H. Paull-- CFO] ended up with half a double cheeseburger in his bed...there’ve been drive by fryings… we think maybe it’s the kids, new account capos.. but its gonna stop.” He added “These are big things…nobody wants to get greased over this.”

2004-04-19T06:20:00.000-05:00

Washington Post: FTC to Look Closer at 'Spyware': Privacy Experts Warn of Dangers to Unwitting Consumers

Update: Gator Corporation President asks: “Guess what Howard Beales was looking at last night”

Washington, DC— Soon after Howard Beales, director of the FTC's consumer protection division, announced that the FTC would begin paying attention to spyware and adware, Jeff McFadden, President and CEO of the Gator Corporation, responded in a press conference, announcing: “Guess what Mr. Beales was looking at last night… no really, go and ask him what he does with his home computer.” He added, “I’ll bet it would be very interesting… I wonder if anyone in his office knows…” Mr. Beales could not be reached for comment. McFadden indicated that reporters could find out more by logging on to the Gator Corporation home page and downloading Gator’s answer application. “It will be totally worth it… you even get a date and time indicator with the answer.”

2004-04-19T03:42:00.000-05:00

CNN: Jesse Jackson willing to negotiate for hostages

Update: Jackson takes over Internal Affairs Division headquarters, requests Kevin Spacey

Chicago—Police report that Jesse Jackson has taken over several offices on the 20th floor of the Chicago Police Department’s Administration Building. He may be holding as many as four hostages and has refused to negotiate; issuing a general statement that he has been “set-up” by the IRS and members of his Rainbow/PUSH coalition while requesting Kevin Spacey’s presence on site. S.W.A.T. teams have surrounded the building. Kevin Spacey, busy shooting a Nokia commercial in London, could not be reached for comment. “It’s a tough situation,” said Chicago Police Department spokesman David Bayless, “Mr. Jackson’s just lost it. We can’t reach Mr. Spacey but we have called Mel Gibson and Bruce Willis as backups.” He added that Mr. Willis was currently working his way through the Administration building ductwork while Mel Gibson was running up the stairs, gun in hand, screaming “just like he did in Braveheart… or maybe The Road Warrior.”

2004-04-18T08:45:00.000-05:00

Miami Herald: Beverly, Mass, Residents Endure Train Horn Blasts in Test, Maybe Permanently

Update: Aging Rock Bands to be Installed At Railroad Crossings

Beverly, MA—Residents forced to endure hundreds of daily train horn blasts last week may be asked to listen to five second selections from the Whitesnake song “Here I go Again” instead. The Federal Railroad Administration, which implemented the train crossing test last week, has recruited aging rock and roll acts in an attempt to overcome marked community resistance to the 100 decibel train blasts. Steven Kulm, Director of Public Affairs for the administration indicated that the test, which has been scheduled for the next three weeks, would place as many at 6000 aging rock bands at several thousand railroad crossings around the country. “Each of these bands, from Whitesnake to Loverboy, Styx and REO Speedwagon, will be given an opportunity to perform a public service while attracting a large if relatively unwilling audience. Also, we have supplied them with access to development-stage cardiology medicine and free cups of applesauce.”

2004-04-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

Voice of Viet Nam: ESCAP produces optimistic forecast for Vietnam

Update: Bush announces “Iraq next Vietnam”

Shortly after releasing the Economic and Social Commission for Asia and the Pacific’s review of economic growth in Thailand and Southeast Asia, the Whitehouse announced that it expected Iraq to become America’s next Vietnam. “The report pegs Vietnam’s growth in GDP at 7.5% and provides an optimistic forecast for 2004 even as it commends Vietnam for successful debt- reduction” said Whitehouse Spokesman Scott McClellan, “ We are expecting Iraq to achieve similar levels of growth in the next five to eight years.” Stated McClellan: “While we do not expect Iraq to achieve the growth that characterized postwar Germany and Japan, we sincerely expect Iraq to be our next Vietnam and we are doing everything in our power to encourage this.”

In other news, Libya has now provided the world community with additional information regarding its covert operations, accepting blame for the Backstreet Boys, New Coke and the entire Knight Rider television series.

2004-04-17T10:52:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles Times: Mars Rover Finds Rock Like Meteorites on Earth

Update: Mars Rover Finds Abandoned Taco Bell

Washington— The NASA Rover Opportunity has uncovered evidence of what may have been an early Taco Bell on the far side of Mars' Meridiani Planum crater. Using the same Moessbauer spectrometer applied to the “Bounce” rock discovered on 16 April, Opportunity identified the likely remains of a Fresco Style Beef Gordita Supreme wrapper, now called the “Gigli” wrapper. Christian Schroeder, an active participant in the Mars Rover missions stated “What we have here is the first evidence of an interstellar fast food operation. We are now actively searching for the rest of that gordita and possibly some nachos. A full taco, however petrified, would be a great find.” NASA has announced plans to send a new Rover to Mars early next year in order to search for other fast food restaurants. This second mission, dubbed “Operation Yo Quiero” may or may not lead to the establishment of a competitive Krispy Kreme outpost on Demios, one of Mars’ two moons. “We were considering Phobos, or possibly Venus” stated Schroeder, “but real-estate prices are through the roof right now.”

2004-04-16T06:21:00.000-05:00

CNN: Li'l Kim charged in rap-rivalry shootout

Update: 50 Cent charged with possession of long range surface to air missiles

New York—Shortly after Li’l Kim was arraigned in court, Rapper 50 Cent was arrested for possession of at least two ballistic missiles. These missiles, each with a range of over 150 KM, were owned by the rapper in contravention of several laws including New York penal code §§ 265.02 and 265.10 as well as 18 U.S.C. § 922 and U.N. Security Council Resolution 687. At the time of his arrest, 50 Cent, who wears a portable bunker and who claims to have been hit by several short-range missiles over the course of his life, pointed out a section toward the top of each missile where 50’s name was spelled out in ½ carat diamonds. When asked about the diamonds, specialists at the Air Force Weapons Laboratory indicated that they had little effect on the lethal nature of the missile and served only to vastly increase its bling.

2004-04-16T05:06:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles Times: Air America Programs Still Off the Air in LA

Update: Al Franken’s Pirate Radio Van Ticketed for Parking in Restricted Area During Street Cleaning

Los Angeles—Al Franken’s Chevrolet V-20 was given a $25 ticket for parking on West 1st street at 3:30 in the morning during street cleaning. Franken was reportedly in the van at this time, broadcasting the O’Franken Factor over a five block radius. The FCC, informed of the illegal station, asked reporters to check on the status of the van at eight in the morning. “We might get someone to ticket it for obstructing traffic if it’s still parked on 1st but I don’t think that we’re going to bother before rush hour.” Asked about the van, Franken indicated complete ownership although he was still paying off the transmitter and antenna. “Both the transmitter and Antenna are from Radio Shack. The van was my cousin’s.” Reportedly Franken arrived at the idea of a Pirate radio station after watching several re-runs of “Pump Up the Volume” midweek. He also indicated his determination to park “far, far away from” vehicles bearing conservative bumper stickers “It will be difficult in the Midwest, but I don’t want anyone to mistake this for a conservative van.”

In other news, Bill O’Rielly just purchased the “BigFoot” Monster truck. “I don’t plan to use it for a Pirate Station” he said, “But I am putting one hell of a set of subwoofers in the back.” O’Reilly further offered to lend Franken some gas money “If he needs it.”

2004-04-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

ESPN News: Under fire, Bonds eyes history

Update: Gatorade to Sponsor New Barry Bonds Urinalysis Commercial

San Francisco—Gatorade unveiled a new ad campaign today, listing Barry Bonds as Gatorade’s newest spokesman. Advertising firm Ogilvy & Mather will produce the commercials, which feature Bonds filling a bladder— worn under Bonds’ arm as he gives a urine sample— with Gatorade. Under analysis, the Gatorade “sample” will glow, displaying the Gatorade lightning logo even as the urinalysis device begins to sweat the bright plasma associated with other Gatorade commercials. Viewers will then see Bonds swing at the plate, connecting bat with ball as an announcer remarks on a clean hit. The commercial closes with the “Gatorade—Is it in you?” tagline. Ogilvy & Mather representatives did not comment on rumored production of a new “Gatorade Clean” beverage.

2004-04-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

Bloomberg: UK and Italy Reject Purported Bin Laden Tape's Truce Offer

Update: Bin Laden Counteroffers: No attacks on Tuesdays and free meal tickets at Arby’s.

Paris—al-Jazeera has now broadcast two successive tapes ascribed to al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. While the first tape included an open truce offer toward European countries that “do not attack Muslim countries”, the second tape promises, among other things, no “attacks on Tuesdays”, no “Attack-backs” and free meal Tickets to Arby’s restaurants where available. Analysts assume that this second offer has been elicited in response overwhelming European rejection of the first truce offer. “We are holding out for something better,” stated French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, “Donald Trump is backing us on this… we’re big fans of The Apprentice.” European leaders expect that a third offer is in the works, possibly involving publishing rights to a Waldo-style “Where’s Osama?” book series and access to Bin Laden’s popular WMD-starter set.

In related news, the CIA is still conducting analysis of this second tape. CIA insiders have stated “We are not sure yet whether is second message really comes from Bin Laden but it sounds awesome when you push his voice through our Barney the Dinosaur filter.”

2004-04-15T07:36:00.000-05:00

Computer Business Review Online: Twenty Holes Plugged on Microsoft Patch Day

Update: Microsoft Develops new Nicotine Patch

Redmond, CA—Microsoft marked its entry into pharmaceuticals today, developing a new nicotine patch which is said to “reduce desire for all standard nicotine delivery mechanisms.” Microsoft has admitted that the patch— a reflective, four panel design intended to be worn over the stomach—may not address nicotine delivered through nonstandard mechanisms. “It is entirely possible,” Microsoft stated, “that users, while safe from cigarettes and chewing tobacco, could become addicted to nicotine laced chewing gum or…in some cases… cigars that can be purchased at convenience stores in Virginia.” Microsoft estimates that it will finish developing a second “cigar” patch, to be worn along with the first, by mid-2005.

2004-04-14T11:25:00.000-05:00

Reuters: Bush Says June 30 Iraq Deadline Central to U.S. Plan

Update: White House Re-asserts June 30 deadline, switches Calendars.

In a press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated that the United States would move from a Gregorian to an Islamic calendar system in order to ensure the transfer of power to Iraqi authorities by the June 30 deadline.

“June 30 is the 151st day of our calendar year, which begins on January 1st. The Islamic New Year, however, is celebrated 51 days later on February 21st. By observing the Islamic calendar, we can push the June 30 transfer date out another 51 days, to August 21st-- 151 days into the Islamic year. In this way, we can shift our own “June 30” date to August 21st merely by switching calendars.” After pausing, he added, “By switching to the Islamic calendar, we can be sure to meet our June 30 date, even if June 30 occurs in late August.”

John Kerry called a press conference in order to condemn the President for his “hasty, unilateral choice of calendars”, indicating that he would prefer either the Julian calendar abandoned by Turkey in 1927 or the Star Date calendar popularized by the Star Trek television show.

2004-04-14T06:36:00.000-05:00

Washington Post: Microsoft Finds New Windows Security Flaws

Update: Microsoft elaborates: Computers to become giant killer robots

This morning, Microsoft clarified its 13 April statement regarding recently discovered security flaws in its Windows Platform. Mark Martin, spokesman for Microsoft, indicated that a new set of "security holes" allowed more than standard remote control of personal desktops. “Basically, hackers can turn even the smallest desktop computer into a giant killer robot. We recommend that everyone run for their lives.” When asked about laptops and peripherals, Mr. Martin indicated that, while PDA’s run on a different platform, it is entirely possible that many laptops running Windows XP could be transformed into “Either irritating, emotive robots along the lines of Bicentennial Man or those winged monkeys from the Wizard of Oz, whichever…” Mr. Martin further indicated that he hoped the problem could be solved with a patch, called Longhorn, that will be "absolutely available by 2006 at the very, very latest."

2004-04-14T06:21:00.000-05:00

Washington Post: Kerry Says Bush Policies Drove Tuitions Up
Challenger Urges President to Turn to International Body in Setting Iraq's Course

Update: President Bush requests additional funding for War Colleges

Stung by John Kerry’s simultaneous attack on the war in Iraq and increases in college tuition, President Bush issued a request to congress yesterday, seeking $3.5B for expansion of the military’s war college program. “We feel that this is the proper response to pressing needs on both fronts and plan to develop satellite campuses in such places as Baghdad, Kabul, and Berkeley, CA.” Bush assured reporters that these colleges, despite a focus on war, would strive to become bastions of liberal thought. “It will be just like Oberlin… but with guns…” Democrats in Pinellas County, Florida responded approvingly even as Edna McCall announced her move to an undisclosed location.

2004-04-13T12:55:00.000-05:00

NY Times: 13 April 2004 April 13, 2004 Timing of Clinton Memoir Is Everything, for Kerry

Update:

Kerry Campaign “Concerned” about May Release of Shrek 2

Los Angeles—Insiders have expressed concern over the May release of Shrek 2, indicating that it may be the first in a string of summer blockbusters, all positioned to overshadow John Kerry’s campaign for the Presidency. Several campaign sources expect that Kerry’s early May position on Iraq will be lost to middle class voters, all of whom will trade the lovable, tube-eared Pixar character for Harry Potter in early June and then Spiderman 2, which opens the day after the Democratic convention ends in Boston. Presently, say campaign insiders, Kerry’s campaign has been overshadowed by Kerry alone, including Kerry’s skiing stumble, Kerry’s shoulder surgery and the ecumenical questions regarding Kerry’s ability to receive the Eucharist during Easter services. ‘The summer movie series really represents the first external force that will draw voters away from John Kerry… prior to this it was really a matter of repulsion.”

On a positive note, the Kerry campaign assumes that it will keep the Boston media market. “Nobody in Boston will be able to travel in the convention-induced gridlock and we expect little or no theater attendance during the month of June.”